Many people, or the general population of people who suffer from anxiety one way or another- find it difficult to understand how I can appear so full of life and also be bat-shit crazy? Well, the bat-shit crazy is just a feeling, I am not literally bat-shit crazy but hey, anxiety will fool the hell out of you into thinking you’re legit bat-shit crazy. I find it interesting myself, the one anxiety symptom that I do not have is being out in the world and speaking in public rather that be large events, small groups, or randomly talking to strangers on the Bart train.
Communication has always been my safe-haven, talking about various issues happening in real and fake life is something that I am good at. I love to make conversation, and have conversation and for the most part, I love the feeling of taking other people out of their conform zone to engage. Truth be told, there are those moments where my anxiety gets to a level of debilitating fear to the point where it frightens me to be in the company of other people and converse, and therefore have a complete meltdown. The shits scary as hell. Surprisingly, this never happens. My extrovertism (is that even a word? Well, it is now) naturally shines through whatever my fears are. My personality is one of those who exudes confidences and thus, because of this, my fears come second to my natural being. On the inside, I am scared, nervous, and jittery, but on the outside I am happy, transparent, full-of-life, and not a worry in the world. #FAKE
So, where does my sickness lie you ask, and to be frank, what the hell is my point? My challenge, I should say, is that I have a hard time combining the two. I am able to go out in the world and speak and be massive and have this astronomical character. Internally, my fear of judgement, imperfection, the thought of not being good enough, not being wise enough, not being important enough is speaking volumes. My thought process does not align with my heart, and therefore, the battle of yin and yang become apparent. Some days, I nail it, most days I do not.
As my journey continues, I accept that fact that this is another piece of the puzzle that I have to focus on. The difference in my struggle now is that I am okay with identifying that this is something that I have to refine about myself. I do not dwell on this facet of my character, but rather I recognize it, and I work on it immediately. My immediate action for, lets say, the feeling of unimportance is to have what I like to call, a “Issa Rae moment” and if you all love HBO’s Insecure as much as I do, then you instantly know what an “Issa Rae” moment is. An Issa Rae moment for me is laughing hysterically at this thought of being less-than and projecting my confidence through the art of talking to ones-self. A conversation that goes a little something like this…
“Unimportant? Bitch! You are the amazing, beautiful, smart, and the most important person in this entire universe! Your very being on this earth is important. Fuck the haters, does God think you are important? Ask yourself that! Hell yes, he does! So snap the hell out of it and don’t ever think about that dumb shit again.”
Everyone needs that authentic prep-talk with themselves. This is my tool when I have those days, months, or weeks where I just cannot align my mind and my heart. I understand that if I am not my biggest fan, no matter how great my conversation is or how much I got this extrovertism down-packed, I will always feel lost internally.
#preptalkwithyourself #beyourownbiggestfan #illuminateresilienceinsideandout #beaunthenticwithinyourself