As I enter this anxiety-filled week given the recent legal events with the weight of my job and my patients on my shoulders, I have really let my thoughts control my body, and therefore, my health anxiety has been at an all-time high since last Monday. As previously described, I have been struggling with anxiety for more than a year.
The first 6-months of my battle, were fucking brutal. I mean, it would scare the average person if I were to go into the thoughts and feelings that I experienced. However, with time came counseling, self-reflection, cognitive thinking, lifestyle changes and many other methods that allowed me to see another day.
Theres this feeling that you never become accustom to when you battle anxiety, it is a rush of fear filled adrenaline as if someone or something is standing so close to you that their breathing down your neck with a machete ready to kill. The nausea (sometimes quick and strong) that you get in your stomach is overwhelming. Racing thoughts of the unknown is crippling.
Yet, the reality is that I look around, I process my environment, and scan my body only to see that I am still present. My body is still, I have not passed out, my palms are not literally sweating, as my breathing slows down so does the fear in my heart. I shake my head in a motion of silliness. I slightly become upset at my being gullible.
Anxiety will fool you countless times until your mind convinces you that you are going bat-shit crazy. Do not get lost in the game of anxiety, be aware of your reality EXTERNALLY. Fight to stay present and see things for what they are. Fight to stay in control, and not fall victim to the tricks of the mind. Fight to gain balance and understanding. This is not a fight against myself, this is a fight against the game of anxiety.
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, well…shame on me.