You ever hear the saying, “stay ready so you never have to get ready?” That should have been coined by me. Since I can remember, I make it a point to always be prepared for plan A, B, and Z. I always prided myself on ensuring I prepared for the future in the case that anything “unforseen” may happen. What does that mean? What does it mean to prepare for the future. For me, it means going through (in my head) all the possibilities of what could possibly go wrong. It is that nausiating question of, “what if” and then my unrealisitc answer is always “then I would do this.” My preparation does not include the spontaneous shit that can go wrong on a day-to-day basis, of course not, I am not a psychic- but the way my thinking is set-up, you would think I sat around a crystal ball at night!
Nonetheless, when shit happens out of my control or I make an error that could have been avoided, I ponder on it for days. I call this, misake anxiety. I do not neccessarily have a fear of making mistakes, we are all human, but I hate the feeling of knowing that I could have prevented it if I would have been more prepared. Quite honestly, this shit doesnt make sense, but it is how I rationalize.
“There is no book on life.” -Management
Yesterday, a bomb was dropped. A California river-side judge overturned the right-to-die law leaving terminally-ill patients destraught. The thought that this law may not win an appeal, is mind-boggling for the dying. For me, well this means that my job may phase out. This is where my preparation is of benefit, but also where the anxiety of mistakes has heighten. The benefits are that I am apart of an organization that is premier in the health care world and prides itself on retaining its employees. Another benefit is that I have two degrees and a load of experience in the health care arena and continuing my career would sustain. The anxiety of course then becomes, “why the hell didn’t I think this was a possibility before I took the job and why didn’t I ask this particularly important ass question amongst the 50-questions I did ask?” and “Why didn’t I get my Masters degree in clinical social work not knowing that this would be my passion?” Shit.
The reality of it all is that life is going to throw a curve ball every second or every day and there is no way of controlling it. There is no possible way for me to prepare for every spectrum of my life no matter how hard I try to “stay on point.” I have realized that I am not always in control of the bigger destiny of my life but God is always in control. I never speak about my belief system or politics because that opens up a never-ending can of worms and frankly, I am not in the position to tell anyone who and what they should believe in or what political party to fancy. Not my business. The object of my game is to take you through my life as I live it and what I am learning along the way. Life is hard, life is fun, life is scary a hell, and it changes from one day to the next; I am just trying to nagivate through it and stay sane all at once.
My plan of action: Attempt to stop trying to prepare for everything and let the pieces fall where they may. Besides, everything always works out the way it should anyway, right?
#wearenotincontrolofeverything #humansfuckup #everythingworksoutatdaysend