I often ask myself why I went into deep anxiety the way that I did. What was I scared of? What had me trembling on the bathroom floor with my knees pushed into my chest? I had no idea.
The thoughts that went through my head was always the worst. It was always the question of, “what if this happens, or what if this is happening, or what if if if if…” and I had not a clue of why I would go to the worst case scenario versus being optimistic about life. It was bizarre, it was no voice of reason, it was no past events that made a traumatic effect on my mental that would force me into thinking of the most drastic measures.
I tried many therapist who on many occasions would attempt to reflect on my past in order to make me understand my rationale for being deep in anxiety. There was always the question of the divorce of my parents, or the trials and tribulations of my childhood that determined why I was so afraid of the future and the “unknown.” However, it never gave me clarity into the roots of my fear. It never made sense as to the logic of my worry.
It did not dawn on me until I finally found an excellent behavioral therapist that the basis of my anxiety was because of the very world we live in. A world full of hatred. A world full of violence, adolescent killings, and a political downfall. A shit-show full of anxieties of the unknown; of a future unbeknownst to us. A world that has tapped dance on our mental, suffocating our spirit.
To think, all these questions of why, without standing still and seeing the answers that surround us everyday. In my growth, I have and continue to strive to protect myself from this cruel world, well…anything that I can control that is. Controlling what I watch, choosing what I listen to. It is very true that our very existence defaults us with many anxieties. I am learning to reteach myself to compartmentalize as I sustain this journey of life.
#compartamentilizewhatweallowin #wehavepowerofourownanxieties #controlwhatwecancontrol