That April, This April

We do not give ourselves enough credit. What I mean is this, we are our own worst critic. Nothing is never enough for us, either we feel like we aren’t doing enough, or we feel that we did not take a large enough leap into conquering fear, or we still worry, not as much as yesterday… but the worry is still lingering. We, and I say, WE because I am guilty of this and I know tons of people are guilty as well. So, WE hardly ever praise ourselves for doing something different that allowed us to make it to the next day or that allowed us to keep pushing forward through pain, sorrow, depression, anxiety, heart break, or even diarrhea.

Last April, I was miserable. I was at a job that I despised, I was having panic attacks every other day, I was sitting in my recliner chair crying and talking to my dog- I mean, UGLY crying where snot was coming from my nose and my mouth looked deformed. I was a complete fucking mess.

Last April, I would go through each day dreading the next hour of my life on this earth, waking up in the morning asking the Lord “Why can’t I just feel normal again.” It never dawned on me that I WAS actually making it through each day, miserable yes, but yet strong enough to take-on ANOTHER day.

“Acknowledge all of your small victories. They will eventually add up to something great.” -Kara Goucher

As days came and went, I became frustrated with being frustrated. I needed to feel like myself again, my young-tenderoni self. I would stop and reevaluate myself. I reevaluated my thoughts for the day, I reevaluated the “why me” questions, and I reevaluated what my definition of “normal “ had been. I did not die, I did not faint, I was still breathing, and I had the courage to wake-up, get out of bed and go attempt to not be miserable. Thats a step! Thats all I could do at that given time. Yay! ME.

Months came and went, and the small steps that I took to make it to the next day were a milestone for me. I congratulated myself for minor shit. “Lala, you actually forced yourself to go to dinner with friends even when you felt like shit.” Go YOU!! “Lala, you forced yourself to go to the grocery store and actually bought groceries without the fear of having a panic attack!” YOU GO GIRL!! “Lala, you woke up this morning and actually forced yourself to ignore the anxiety buzzing in your ears!” GET IT GIRL!! Force is the key word here people, it isn’t easy! I began to give myself credit for small victories.

This April, I pat myself on the back when I go visit the homes of my patients. When my patients speak to me, they are very open and honest. They tell me their symptoms, their trials, their tribulations, and how they want to be remembered after they die. In the beginning, I would go back to the car terrified thinking what if this happens to me?! Literally shaking with fear, hardly able to put my keys in the ignition. Now, I hug them. I cry with them. I laugh with them. I smile with them. I leave their house, and I do not worry and I do not get anxious. I tell myself, “Lala you fucking ROCK! You did it! Congrats!”

#speaklifebackintoyourself #patyourselfonthebackforsmallvictories #youarebetterofftodaythanyesterday #youarebetterthisaprilthanlastapril #goyou

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